The blog of a skinny girl in a fat girl's body

Hey baby, do you like fat girls?

2005-10-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

I went to see the movie Elizabethtown today. It was good, it was long. I cried almost the entire time. I am such an easy crier. To prove my point, yesterday I saw the March of the Penguins, I cried through that movie too.

Without giving too much of the story away, not that the trailers didn’t already do that, Elizabethtown is a love story. The feeling that I am left with after seeing it is despair. There will be no chance encounters for me, no love at first site. I am too fat. The first impression I give to people is that I am a fat girl not oh how about a summer romance. I often wonder, if I weren’t fat would this boy thing I was the one for him? I am sure someone’s mother is saying right now “if he does not see you inner beauty he is not worth it” yada, yada, yada. How is someone supposed to get to your inner beauty through layers of fat? Once he does see you are a great person what is he supposed to do when he is not physically attracted to you?

I had a boyfriend once that I got fat with. One day I decided I was tired of being fat and over the course of the next six months I lost about a hundred pounds. From then on I had no respect for my boyfriend, in fact I found him repulsive. Does that make me a bad person? How could I have respected someone who still had the same traits that I did not respect in myself? How is someone now supposed to find me attractive and respect me when I don’t like the way I look and my self-respect is at an all time low? It’s simply not going to happen.

Can't Muster The Will

2005-10-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks have been unfortunately more of the same… eating, eating and eating. I think that I have it in my mind that I will not be able to lose weight until I move back to Ohio. My plans, hopes, and dreams of loosing weight are on hold and I have been eating what ever I want with out giving it a second thought.

I read a lot of blogs. Lots of diet blogs. I know that people have the same problems and issues as me. However, I notice something different about their train of thought. They are working at loosing weight they, even though it sucks are going through the motions of a diet.

I on the other hand bitch and complain about being fat and do nothing about it. Being stranded here in Chicago by myself would be a perfect place and time for me to get on a diet and loose weight. I have nobody who wants to go out to eat with me, I have nobody who wants to go out drinking with me, and I have nobody who knows me that would see me in shorts. I could do things at my own pace. I have plenty of time. My poor dog would definitely benefit from some out door activity. Yet here I am wrapped up in a blanket watching Will and Grace reruns, eating cheese pops.

I can clearly see how food is a comfort to me. I am lonely here. I eat to fill time. I eat to take my mind off the fact that I am alone. I would still eat if I was in Ohio, but I at least would be able to make the effort. Here I can’t seem to will myself to even try.

Whats for dinner? A Snack or Two!

2005-10-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to Reese’s Snack Bars. I love them. The first one I had I got from a gas station. I was hooked. I looked for them at every gas station I went to after that. Then when I was in Costco the other day I got a box of forty! That was Monday. The box is half gone. They are 6 grams of fat and 130 calories each and I am addicted.

It seemed like I did ok today with eating but now that I think back on it I realize that it was not a good day after all. I started out with a Cappuccino Blast. My mind played that old “you deserve it” for one reason or another, game that it plays with me. For breakfast one of my cooks made me boiled chicken, peas and a little bit of mashed potatoes without me even asking. Mmmm my favorite. If it weren’t for the mashed potatoes that are laced with cream cheese and butter it would have been a healthy meal. The chicken is unmarinated and very low fat. Peas, well they are just peas, I don’t need butter on them if I have salt. For lunch I had bowtie pasta and meat sauce with bread and about 6 butter patties. Really bad. Over the course of the day I also had two pieces of chicken scaloppini and one piece of buffalo mozzarella, a couple of cokes and a Rockstar. For dinner I had about 8 Reese’s Snack bars and a coke. Ug I feel like shit.

The bad part is that I am still really hungry. I could eat a full meal right this second. But I am about to go to bed so there will be no more eating for me tonight!

Open Wide

2005-10-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the dentist. For the life of me I can’t understand what makes someone want to be a dentist. Looking in to someone’s mouth, picking at their teeth and wiping their slobber off their face. It’s all just so yucky.

I hope that everyone slobbers as much as I do when I am at the dentist. I can’t help it. I can’t seem to swallow and eventually there is slobber every where. One time when I was a teenager I went to a dentist that must have been training people because I remember that there was about 5 people peering into my mouth. All of a sudden my spit shot strait up in to the air and they all had to dodge it. They all laughed and I, being a teenager, of course thought it was the most embarrassing thing that could ever happened to me. Boy was I wrong. I would rather slobber a lot than have that suction thingy left in my mouth the whole time though, you know the thing that sucks every last drop of moisture out of your mouth till you feel like you just smoked the fattest joint ever.

Every time I go to the dentist I can’t stop thinking of that little guy in Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. “I want to be a dentist”. I just don’t understand. When you are little do you think to yourself, I want to look at peoples teeth all day long? There is nothing heroic about it. Its not like you are going to save a life.

Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for dentists. I have had my share of teeth problems. One time when I lived in Bakersfield I had no money no insurance and a toothache from hell. I suffered for weeks with this toothache. It was so bad that near the end I even contemplated suicide. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I went to a dentist’s office and when they refused to help me I sat in their lobby and wailed. I wailed loud. I had no shame. I was not myself. I was like a wounded animal. I remember there were lots of people in that lobby. I didn’t care. Finally they must have thought I was scarring the other patients because what seemed like hours later they took me in and pulled that tooth. It was a huge abscess. The whole in the middle of it was the huge. I was so relieved. I became a snaggle tooth and didn’t even care.

Wait a second. That dentist saved my life! Now I understand! I would have killed myself or my boyfriend or in innocent bystander if I hadn’t gotten that tooth out of my head! Thank you Dr. Dentist at Western Dental on Ming (I think). You saved my life. You picked a noble and important career and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I never paid your bill not because I didn’t appreciate it. But because I was on the verge of living in my car and as a matter of fact did live in my car shortly after that. Its ok though because your bill is one of the many unpaid bills that ruined my credit and is now making me pay 15% interest on my piece of crap car that I will be upside down on for the entire five years of my loan. So you have your revenge. I must say though, it was the best $140 that I never paid!

Who wasn't hired? Skinny Girl or Fat Girl?

2005-10-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

Today something happened to me that has never happened to me before in my life. I got turned down for a job.

I have had many, many jobs. I have done everything from serving tables to cleaning houses to selling cars. I have always gotten any job that I applied for. To be denied is a little shocking.

I keep thinking to myself that this is the first time I have looked for an adult job. I mean a job that is a salaried position versus and hourly position. Hourly positions are surly easier to get then salaried ones.
Also the job I have now I didn’t apply for I just moved up through the ranks. So these were the first real interviews that I have ever had. The experience was pretty scary.

Did they not like something I said? Was it because I said I would be a horse when they asked me what animal I would come back as if there were such a thing as reincarnation? Was it what I was wearing? Or was it because I’m FAT? Now, I am not the type of person who would typically play the fat card, but maybe that’s why I did not get this job. My headhunter just said they did not give a reason. Why would they not give a reason? I can’t say that I really blame them if they did not hire me because I am fat. I think the impression of fat people is that they are lazy. I am lazy…at home. At work I am a machine. I work approximately 60 to 70 hours a week sometimes more. If they didn’t hire me because of they think I’m lazy its their loss. Maybe they thought I would eat all day long. Maybe I asked for too much money.

I actually would feel kind of relieved if I knew they didn’t hire me because I am fat. It’s like that t-shirt that says something like, “yeah I’m fat but you’re ugly and I can go on a diet”. Being fat is something I can fix (in theory). If there were something wrong with my interviewing skills or something wrong with my personality, I would have a harder time fixing that.

All in all I am not too upset about it. I knew that if I had gotten the job I wouldn’t have been happy there. Even though I just planned on doing it until I got my real estate license I felt it was beneath me. I guess they thought I was beneath them.

Weird Food

2005-10-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I go on weird food trips. I have been one on all week. I bought a bag of potstickers from Costco on Tuesday and I have been eating them ever since. The only other things I have been subsiding off of is Coke and Baked Lays. I am reading a book called Eldest and not doing much else, besides crappy work that is. Today, I have another day off. I got out of bed at one and had a Carnation Instant Breakfast. Now I am making lunch, No Yolk noodles, dumpling size, chicken bouillon cubes, mushroom soup and a can of mushrooms. I am so weird. Sometimes I cook a whole chicken and eat chicken and noodles for days.

Ahh I just cracked open my first Coke of the day. So refreshing. A Roseanne rerun just came on. Is it just me or does anybody else think that show was the most hilarious ever? Roseanne puts people down like no other. I only wish I had half of her quick wit.

An Apple a Day

2005-09-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

I just ate a caramel apple. There is something about sugar makes fruit taste so good! I don’t even like caramel by its self but on an apple I love it. I don't really like apples too much either but add some caramel and could eat a bushel. I got the apple from Margie’s on Sunday. I guess you could say that my "extravaganza of eating" weekend has carried over 'till Tuesday! It’s over now though. For dinner I had to have noodles with bouillon cubes because I’m so broke!

Its bad when you are so sick of the food at work that you would eat noodles and chicken flavored salt. New job, new food. That's the goal! Ok not really. The goal - move back to Ohio, get a real estate license, loose weight so I can look glamorous and sell lots of houses, get rich, get husband, have babies and get fat!

Oh and how I strayed

2005-09-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

I am sorry I have not written in a long time. I am looking for a new job and that is taking up a lot of time. Also my sister was in town for the weekend. If you have never been in Chicago you should know that there is a ton of great stuff to do. There are museums, Navy Pier, Sears Tower, etc.

My sister and I ate. Non stop. All weekend. It was great. Friday night we had Joy Yee Noodle, the most authentic Chinese restaurant I have ever been too. It is one of my favorite places. We had spring rolls, lobster balls, and beef teriyaki. Then we went to Baskin Robbins. We started early Saturday morning with the ninety-nine cent breakfast at Ikea, bacon, eggs and hash browns but we also got an order of the Swedish pancakes to share.

We worked off breakfast with some shopping. We were due down town at 1:30 for our brunch reservations at Frontera Grill. It was divine. We had the appetizer platter which had halibut cevichie, taquitos, mini quesadillas, and a jicama salad. I had the skirt steak tacos that had the most amazing refried beans. I never knew beans could taste so good! My sister had some sort of lamb stew. For dessert I had chocolate pecan pie. She had an autumnal tart. Of course we both had a couple margaritas to wash it all down!

For dinner we had Chicago style deep-dish pizza from Girodinos. It was excellent! Sunday morning we got off to a late start so we skipped breakfast. For lunch we had Portillos hot dogs. Then for dinner we had El Barrco. Mexican again! We were on a kick what can I say. I think it was the margaritas. Anyways, we had shrimp cevichi for an appetizer. I had steak fajita and she had shrimp enchiladas. After that we went to Margie’s candy which is a Chicago institution. We each had atomic sundaes. Yummy. When we got home I fell into food coma oblivion and passed out at nine p.m.

It was a great weekend. I’m back on the diet for the week. Next Monday my dad and stepmom are coming for a couple of days though! I will have to do my part and show them the town!

Tomorrow is the day

2005-09-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

I did something so bad today. I went through the drive threw at McDonalds and got a McChicken Meal and then went through the drive threw right next door at Baskin Robbins and got a Cappuccino Blast. I feel so naughty.

Has anyone tried those Special K bars? They are yummy. The problem is I ate the whole box in one day. I realize that I am totally out of control and something has got to give. This is what I ate all together today- a bowl of Special K, the whole box of Special K bars, McChicken meal, Cappuccino Blast, a bowl of pasta with arrabiata sauce, sausage and feta cheese, a double hot chocolate. Pretty soon I'm going to be dead from over stuffing my face.

Ok here is the new plan. I am going to tell all of you nice people that I am starting my diet tomorrow. That is Tuesday September 20th 2005. I will not let you down. I am going to lose the weight and report to you how its going along the way. I want you all to write me hate mail if I don't stick to it. Trust me, any mean words that I get from you can't be any worse than the ones I am hearing from myself. I seriously need to lose over 150 pounds before I really do die.

Thank you for your support.

Horse Back Riding Too, I'd Kill The Horse

2005-09-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

If America is so fat how come I am always so uncomfortable? I don’t mean I am uncomfortable with what people are thinking about me (not to say that isn’t true). I mean that I am outright uncomfortable. My ass is too big for movie theater seats, air plane seats, roller coaster rides, my dads kitchen table chairs, most chairs in general, etc.

When I go to the theater I have to slide my but into the seat instead of just sitting down. Especially if I go to a cheap theater (which is almost always). I hate to fly. Not because I am afraid of death or terrorists, but because my ass spills into the seat of the person next to me, the seat belt almost does not fit and I would die if I had to ask for an extension. The last time I even attempted to go on a roller coaster ride was years ago when I weighed way less. I thought they where going to tell me I couldn’t go on and wouldn’t that have been as embarrassing as hell. It was at Magic Mountain in California, one of those rides where there is no floor, and the locking part comes over you head. The attendant had to put his whole body weight into it to get it to snap shut. I thought I was going to explode. I love roller coasters and I have not been on one since. That had to be 5 years ago.

There are lots of things I would like to do but I am too fat to do. I went with my family on vacation this summer to the Outer Banks, North Carolina. It sucks to be at the beach and be too fat to get in a bathing suit. During that trip and just like every time we go there we take a side trip to Jockey’s Ridge. I hate this place. I hate it more than any place I know. Jockey’s Ridge, if you have never been there, is a huge sand dune with a beautiful view of the ocean one on side and the sound on the other. My cousins are already at the top and starting to roll down before I even make it ten feet up. I almost instantly can not breathe. My legs feel like they are made of lead. It takes so much effort to just put one foot in front of the other at this point. My dad finally comes to meet me with a worried look on his face. “Are you ok?” I can barely get the word yes out because all of my energy is focused on breathing. Finally, I make it to the top and have to stand still for a good ten minutes just to try to breathe normally again.

So at the top of the dune they have hang gliding lessons. I have always wanted to do that it looks like so much fun. My cousins don’t do it because they are scared. I don’t do it because I am quite positive that the straps that are meant to hold me in would not fit around my legs. So this leads me to other sports I would like to do if I where not so fat. Bungee jumping, sky diving, kayaking (don’t think I could fit in the hole), any sport or activity that involves jogging or running, sex (it’s a sport right?).

DOH!

2005-09-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like I did better today. First I had a Venti White Chocolate Mocha, I am so addicted to those right now. Then for breakfast I had whole-wheat pancakes, scrambled egg whites and turkey sausage. I ate every last bit of that too. Then I had Boston Market, chicken, mashed potatoes, corn and gravy. Corn muffin too. Then I had strawberries and whipped cream. Then I had a corn dog. Then I came home and had left over Chinese. Ug…. Maybe I didn’t do better today.

Will Tomorrow be Better Than Today?

2005-09-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

I have two days of eating to report on. Yesterday was not a good day. Come to think of it today was not a good day either. But anyways, yesterday I was running late and had no time to stop and get coffee, which is good. But then I ended up eating a McChicken meal around 11, which is bad. I got the sandwich with no lettuce and it looked like they used a fourth cup of Mayo on that thing. Instead of scraping some of it off I licked it up. Disgusting. Mayo in theory to me is nasty, but in reality I love it, love it, love it.

Then for lunch, (you might ask me what the McDonalds was and I would reply "breakfast of course"), for lunch I had pasta, spicy red sauce which they sauté with 2 ounces of butter (to get the sauce to stick to the pasta) chicken and buffalo mozzarella. Sprinkled with a couple ounces of pecorino romano of course. I had a bowl of ice cream with Chocolate ganache for dessert. I skipped dinner (like I saved myself some calories) and opted to just finish the bag of baked lays and drink a couple cokes.

Today I started off good by not stopping at Dunkin Donuts to get a Cappuccino Blast. However I ended up at work ten minutes early so I went to the Starbucks across the street and got a Venti White Chocolate Mocha. I know it is still summery out but this morning it was raining so it seemed like a hot coffee day. It was so velvety smooth on my lips…. Anyways, later on someone offered to go to McDonalds again and I ended up eating the same exact thing as yesterday, a McChicken meal. Only this time they gave us an extra sandwich so Barbie and I split it. So she ate fries, coke a double fish filet sandwich and half of a McChicken! The difference between her and I? She weighs about one hundred pounds and five pounds of that is probably her long hair! I hate skinny girls!

Later I had pasta, chicken, mushrooms, cream, marsala wine, and Parmesan cheese. Yummy that was good. I did not eat the whole dish though the pasta is too much. I only ate it until the mushrooms and chicken where gone and a few more spoonfuls of sauce. For dinner, I had four pastor tacos with cilantro, onion and lime juice and a couple cokes to wash it down.

The things I pick at are the hardest to remember. Both days I had a piece of chicken scaloppini, snickers crumbles and individual bowtie pasta dipped in lemon butter sauce (to make sure it was made correctly of course). Tomorrow I think I will work on not picking at anything and go from there. Maybe if I start with baby steps!

The Grandmas

2005-09-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

I think my screwed up perception of food started when I was very young. My sisters tell me that when I was a toddler I used to eat all of my veggies like a good girl. I wish I knew exactly when I changed and began hating them all. I think perhaps it was that I got to much sugar and it turned me against veggies. There is a picture of me that shows my mom feeding me chocolate ice cream when I couldn’t have been over a year old and I already had rolls cute baby fat.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table for what seemed like hours after everybody else got up because I was not allowed to leave until I ate my vegetables. I never did eat them though. Generally I would throw them out the window. But one time my mom found some very old moldy spinach wrapped up in saran wrap in my toy box. She threatened to make me eat it then, but I knew she wouldn’t. I think that usually she just didn’t prepare the vegetables because she knew it would be a fight, but I can’t remember for sure. I do know that we ate out a lot. When my parents got divorced when I was nine my mom and I ate out every meal. Then of course when I was with my dad we ate out every meal too because it was like a special occasion.

Then the only home cooked meals I got where from my grandmas and boy was that some good eat’n. Grandma J. had about forty people in our family over every Sunday. There was never a question of what you were going to do on Sunday or who was going to show up, it was always the same time and same people. Her dinners were not the same every week however but never ventured far from our norm. They varied according to season of course since in the summer we would be outside and grilling. She made her famous dumpling soup, the best perogies in the world, podosh which I have never had since and lasagna there was always so much food that you couldn’t even eat a little bit of everything. Then came desserts. I won’t even go into it. Grandma J. just kept shoving food at you and it seamed if you did not eat three times the amount of a normal meal her feelings would be hurt and she would keep on saying how about some….., how about some of this……. I miss her terribly.

Grandma S. didn’t have the regular dinner every Sunday but even though the timing varied the meals were just as fantastic. She made the best home made rolls, pies, and my one of my favorite dishes to this day which consisted of egg noodles from Amish country chicken broth and mushroom soup. She was also very big on cobblers and cinnamon rolls and her mashed potatoes where the best.

At Grandma and Grandpa S’s house is where I learned to love my dear sweet Coke. Grandpa S. worked for Coca-Cola. He was and advertising man. At the bottom of their stairs to the basement there was a table that was filled with every coke product imaginable. There were four refrigerators in that basement and one of them was completely for pop. Back then we just got those bottles of pop. I can’t remember what size but I am sure you know what I am talking about. I have many cousins right around the same age as me. It still makes me proud to this day to remember that when we where kids I was the only cousin allowed to have a whole bottle of Coke to themselves because I was the only one who could drink the whole thing and never let any got to waste. The other cousins had to share. I love that memory.

What I would give for one of their meals…and an ice cold Coke right now.

Anyways back to the point…what was the point? Oh yeah my screwed up views on food. Well I don’t really know, perhaps I just wanted to stroll down memory lane. But I do remember always wanting to eat more than everybody else did. I never wanted to stop. After I lived in Bakersfield for a while I became very poor and was even homeless for a while living in my big old hoopty with my boyfriend. It was a nasty situation but I do remember I ate everything in sight. We would go to the college campus where some club would be giving away food for reasons I still am unsure of and we would fill our plates and go back for seconds. I know for a fact that my mind was on survival mode and I think that I have never gotten out of that mind set.

I also think that maybe I eat because I’m lonely. But when I am with my family I still eat like crazy and I’m not lonely then. Then I think I eat because I miss my mom. I miss her like it just happened yesterday that is true, but I can’t say for sure thats why I eat. I think that I just eat like crazy because that is who I am. I love food and I can’t get enough of it. But I have to do something because it is quite honestly ruining my life. I am sorry that I have written this downer blog and I am going to stop now because I am quite sad and I hope nobody reads this.

Days go bye

2005-09-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

For some reason the people over at Comcast have not shut me down yet. Perhaps it was the whimpering sounds that came out of me when I begged them to leave me on and that I would pay in full on Friday. I was quite positive I was getting cut out two times over the past two days. Once when I say a Comcast truck pull out of the complex driveway yesterday and today a Comcast man walked right by my window. I hurried and got online trying to will him not to be able to turn it off while I was on it. I have not turned the internet off all day just in case. You might have guessed I am not very wise to the ways of the internet. But for another day I am still here. Yeah!!!!!

Chicken? Again?

2005-09-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

Monday, my day off. Ah I’m not at the restaurant so I probably did a good job sticking to a healthy diet. No pasta to lure me no bowls of ice cream. So what did I do? I ate chicken.

I have no food in my house. My kitchen is basically there to house dog food, and dog treats. On the occasion that I do cook my kitchen then is a mess for weeks and to disgusting to walk in to except to get dog treats and fill his bowl. I am a pig in more ways than one.

So on my day off the same thing always happens. I sleep to eleven and then wake up starving like I haven’t eaten in a month. Of course there is nothing here to eat. Not even water to drink (I refuse to drink tap water). I have to get dressed well enough to go out of the house in search of food. I want Chinese. I spent 15 minutes searching through the piles of crap in my apartment to try to find the menu to the Town Wok, which is about three minutes away. I figure if I call ahead I won’t have to wait and I can take the dog without him getting to hot. He of course has already figured out that it is not a workday by the length of time I slept and because I put jeans on. So of course he is planning on going everywhere I go and if I don’t take him he will howl the most pathetic sounds that will leave me feeling guilty for hours.

I can’t find the menu but I decide I will go to the Town Wok order my food then run over to White Hen get some Coke and chips and then back to the Town Wok to pick up lunch. As soon as I got to the Town Wok I remembered that it is Monday and they are closed. Damn it. Every Chinese restaurant in this town is closed. Now what.

Popeye’s Chicken. The day that I got this apartment I noticed the Popeye’s Chicken and vowed I would never go there. That was in April. Pretty good right? Four months I went with out eating Popeye’s. I am so proud. I was left no choice. I got a three piece meal. Two wings and a breast with mashed potatoes and a coke. Then I did go to White Hen to get more Coke and Baked BBQ Lays. I wish I had gotten some water while I was there because now I have had about eight Cokes today and I’m hella thirsty.

Then I cleaned for a while did some laundry took a nap and woke up hungry like I hadn’t eaten in a month. What was it going to be for dinner? Boston Market. Why did I choose Boston Market? Easy they have a drive through. I am looking especially shitty today and did not feel like getting out of the car so this was perfect. It did not even dawn on me that I already had chicken and mashed potatoes but hey at least this was health right? Not fried anyways. I do love chicken. Oh and I added another vegetable to the mix, corn.

There are a few basic things in my life that I see as hexes that are designed to keep me fat.

1. I work in a restaurant

2. I don’t make shit for a salary therefore can not even afford to grocery shop. (I know that if I stopped eating out and saved some money I would have money to grocery shop but that problem is for a different blog).

3. I hate vegetables. All except for corn, potatoes, and peas. The least healthy of all vegetables. Ok I like raw spinach as in a spinach salad and I know that is very healthy but I only like it if it has lots of dressing blue cheese and steak on it.

4. I have a family who believes that eating is a social function.

Am I doomed? Or am I just making excuses? I am very proud of myself for only eating half a bag of the chips and 8 of the 12 pack of coke! I can't wait to get to work tomorrow and drink some ice cold bottled Italian spring water.

Goodbye Internet

2005-09-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

Just a note to the nice return visitors of my site. My cable might-most likely is going to be shut off tomorrow. So if I don't write its not intentional, its because I can't.
I get paid on Friday and then it will be back on and you all can stop holding your breath!

So Little Time, So Much Food

2005-09-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am at least going to log what I eat every day. Maybe if I have a record of what I eat I will cut back or change it. Maybe I will be embarrassed that other people, strangers, and the three people that I know that might look at this sight would read what I eat and think what a fat pig I am and I would die of embarrassment. Do I think that will stop me from eating everything that I know is wrong for me tomorrow? I don’t think so but I am going to give it a try.

Today I have ingested- A Cappuccino Blast (my favorite). My reason for getting this was because it is Sunday and everybody deserves a treat on Sunday right? It doesn’t seem to matter to me that I had one on Saturday and two on Friday. Then, since I was at Dunkin Donuts and it was Sunday, I decided to get my staff donuts. I ate one on my way to work so nobody would see me eat it. It was a Boston cream. Then at work I had a bowl of meat sauce with white bread and butter. Weird I know, but I am so sick of the food there that I have to find ways to change it up a bit (I have worked there for almost seven years). Later I had a bowl of angle hair pasta, peas, mushrooms, chicken, olive oil, and lots of Parmesan cheese. This was my "healthy choice".

Ok that’s all I’ve had. Oh of course I had a couple cokes here and there. I really want some ice cream right now and its killing me not to go to the end of my street to the Baskin Robbins. But I won’t. Will I? It seems that once I get it in my thick skull that I want something I can’t stop thinking about it until I get it. Maybe if I get undressed then I will be too lazy to put clothes back on.

I just went to the web site of the restaurant that I have a phone interview with tomorrow. There was a picture of a manager, a skinny manager, who had a button down shirt with the logo of the restaurant on it tucked in to her pants. Ok, I might have a problem. I am hoping that is not their uniform because I have not tucked a shirt in for years. That would be a catastrophe. I better do some crunches right now.

I just remembered, I had a piece of chicken scaloppini I ganked off the cooling cart in the walk-in at work and a hand full of Snickers crumbles.

Off to Bed With a Full Stomach

2005-09-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

Every one around me is loosing weight because they are sick or puking for the heck of it. My good friend Sarah is in the hospital with diverticulitus (sp). She has not eaten any thing in four days and she says she hopes to loose ten pounds. She is the kind of girl who even though she is skinny as a rail is always saying "I’m so fat". Gag I want to choke her sometimes. Oh about the diverticulitus, she is going to be ok.

My boss has had food poisoning or the flu or something for 2 days and is puking everything he eats. There is a server at my job who has bulimia and pukes on a regular basis. She is totally whacked out. She has to wear a wig because all of her hair has fallen out and her fingernails don’t grow.

Sometimes I wish I had anorexia or bulimia just for a little bit so I could use some weight. It would never work for me though I love to eat too much and I hate to puke. It makes me cry and all the blood vessels break around my eyes and I look like I got beat up.

And now for the upstairs....

2005-09-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

As I write I am eating taquitos with lots of sour cream, rice and beans of course with a Coke. For lunch I had steak and portabello mushroom fahitas with chimiechurrie sauce (I have no idea how to spell that) sour cream and rice and beans. If I said that Mexican food was my weakness I wouldn’t be lying however somedays I might do the same thing with Chinese or any other Asian variety. The truth is food in general is my weakness. But I think we already established that. No? Oh yeah I also had two rock stars and a strawberry-pineapple smoothie at work. Ok I had a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate ganache too. Jeeze what a pig.

I have not heard back from the H.R. lady who I had an interview with last Tuesday. She said it would be five to ten days but of course I am impatient. The funny part is I don’t even want that job but I will be crushed if I don’t get an offer. If I don’t get an offer I of course will blame it on the assessment test. I had to have failed the math part unless I am a really good guesser.

This was the second math test I have taken for a restaurant management position. I have yet to use math like the math questions in the tests at my current job and I find it hard to believe that I would in any restaurant management position. This just like high school when I said "I’m never going to use this, why are they testing me on it" all over again. Had they told me in high school that yes its true you won’t ever really need to use the math, you will just need it to get a job and then never use it again then I might have studied it enough to get by.

I am worried however that if I do go into real estate I might need to know the math and that kind of freaks me out. Is there somebody back at the real estate office who figures all that stuff out for you? Surely there is. Another thing about going in to real estate that worries me is looking good enough. I want to be the hot real estate agent who dresses in designer clothes and has the perfect manicure and pedicure. Not a fat blob that runs out of breath when it is time to show you the upstairs of the house!

I have another phone interview with a recruiter on Monday. It is for a restaurant in Chicago. I am really not interested at all in jobs in Chicago but I am going to try to get as many interviews in as possible so I can get good at it.

Oh yeah just for kicks I sang Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire front to end as loud as possible into my sister who hates country music work voicemail. She is going to love that first thing Monday morning.

The Labor of Eating

2005-09-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

One of the best things about having a large family that has large family gatherings is the food that arrives at the gathering with the relatives. Living in Chicago does not hinder me from going to the get togethers that my family has in Ohio. I will drive the 7 hours to have an afternoon of eating, socializing and game playing with 45 of my closest relatives. That is exactly what I did on Labor Day.

The menu was huge and I will try to the best of my recollection to recount it for you. Dad prepared the main dish. Frogmore Stew. The ingredients in the stew always vary depending on what we have and I don’t even know if it should really be called Frogmore Stew. My dad puts water, old bay seasoning, potatoes, corn, kielbasa, shrimp, lobster and clams in a turkey fryer and cooks it up. It’s damn tasty.

I made Italian nachos. Fried wonton chips, alfredo sauce Bob Evans spicy sausage, tomatoes, olives, banana peppers, and mozzarella cheese baked to a crispy delight. I made 2 heaping hotel pans of this and it was gone in about 30 seconds.

There where the standards that you could find and any Lee family picnic, 2 kinds of baked beans (Aunt Elaine’s are the best, sorry Aunt Shelby) broccoli casserole, potato casserole with corn flakes that my cousin always makes, lasagna casserole (notice a trend?), waldorf salad, etc. There where the unusual (to us) things made by the creative members of the family, like my sister’s salad that was made of mixed greens, pistachios, mandarin oranges, blue cheese and apples and a fantastic dressing that was store bought but I can't remember the name.

Then there was dessert. Oh the dessert. Birthday cake (mine), brownies, cookies, apple pie, the best banana pudding you’ve ever tasted and a weird s’mores concoction that had a graham cracker pecan crust, a layer of melted chocolate and sliced marshmallows baked on top. This is just the stuff I ate. I am positive there was more that I am forgetting! What a wonderful day.

After we ate and we were sitting around feeling like we where going to barf, I noticed something about my family. I am the only fat one. How did this happen? I am in a family that could eat for a living. I did not eat more (more or less) than anyone else. Perhaps it is what I eat on the days that we aren’t having a picnic that makes me fat. Once again I really think that I should get the hell out of the restaurant business. I bet the fat would just pour off of me. Ugh. What to do?

The next time my family gets together it will be for my second cousin Tiffany's baby shower. I am sure that I will not be invited because I do not speak to Tiffany because she is an uppity bitch, and she does not speak to me because.....hm. I don't know why, I'm so sweet!

I love you Susan Powters!

2005-09-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

I believe that I am an intelligent woman. Not exactly intellectual, though I am a big reader. But smart in a common sense, street savvy, wise kind of way. I am a person that you would come to if you needed advice on most topics, except perhaps finances. I am even smart when it comes to diets. I know what's good or bad for you, how many calories, fat, protein, carbohydrates, etc. you should eat on a daily basis. I would never fall for a crash diet or some new fad in weigh loss.

However, at multiple points each day all of the common sense or any intelligence I have for that matter, goes straight out the window and I become virtually dumb, deaf and blind to what I know is right and wrong about eating and the "diet" I should be trying to stick too.

I start off each day knowing how miserable I feel being fat. If I gain another ounce I am going to burst out of every pair of pants that I own. I can feel my energy levels dwindling rapidly from day to day. I can tell that I am getting lazier and lazier and things that I used to do for fun become hard work and not fun at all.

I can not understand what happens to my brain. Why I am eating a whole bag of Baked BBQ Lays as I sit here and type this. Why, I know for a fact that tomorrow on my way to work I will stop at Dunkin Donuts and get a Cappuccino Blast, which is virtually a coffee milkshake. I don't know why I stop being sensible and start being irrational.

I think instead of scientists coming up with a drug that helps people lose weight, they should just come up with a drug that is mind altering. A little stay smart pill. A pill that tells your brain you can live with out your fourth Coke today and just because you work at an Italian restaurant that doesn't mean you have to have pasta with cream sauce for lunch.

Maybe being the kitchen manager in a restaurant isn't such a great idea for a girl with such a brain deficiency. It's obvious to me that I can't control it. Even when I am some how staying "smart" and having unmarinated grilled chicken with a side of peas or a spinach salad I still get stupid and eat a tiny bite of buffalo mozzarella that has ten grams of fat in each bite or snag a hot-out of the butter and oil piece of chicken scaloppini.

At one point in my life I did manage to stay smart. I lost one hundred pounds in that smart period. I kept that weight off for probably five years. I remember how happy I was and how good I felt about myself and how I would love to feel that way again.

What got me motivated back then was a book by Susan Powters. Remember her? It was the early 90's. She had been absolutely huge and then she changed her live and lost hundreds of pounds. Soon everybody hated her because she was so freaking excited about loosing that weight that she went to extremes with work out tapes and books and segments on shows like Good Morning America. You could not turn TV the tv with out seeing her ear to ear smile smiling at you. But I do have to say that book changed my life.

A few years later I read the book again to try to get re-motivated and it did not have the same magic touch. I keep waiting for that something to get me going. The problem is I have been waiting for about five years and I am afraid that I am going to waiting my whole life. I really don't want that to happen. I fantasize about getting my stomach stapled or having lipo suction or going on extreme make over and having them take away all of my problems but I could never afford any of that.

I am going to bed now. Thinking about this is getting too depressing. I am going to pray that tomorrow is the day I get my "ah ha" moment as Oprah would say. I am going to imagine myself fit and firm, jogging down the beach with ease as I drift off to sleep (I remember I used to use this visual technique when I lost weight before). Susan Powters wherever you are I hope you are still skinny and always will be.

Lane Giant

2005-08-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

Why do manufacturers think that all fat girls are 50 plus and have bad taste. I have not been able to figure this out for years. Not only do I not want to wear grandma underpants but I do not want to wear grandma's clothes either. It seems to me that most plus size clothes are ugly, cheaply made and expensive.

Then along comes Lane Bryant. Who are they trying to kid? Their clothes are some of the ugliest clothes I have ever seen. I think they are trying to brainwash us into wearing that crap by using beautiful "plus size" models and targeting a younger market. But please, splattering a shirt in an ugly pattern, applying some crazy flower appliqué and making it low cut in the front is not my idea of appealing. You have to search through racks upon racks of ugly ass shit just to find a plain button down shirt.

That’s exactly what I was trying to do with one day when I took my nephew to the mall. Upon entering the store he said "wait, what? A chick store" thinking that the only stores we where going to go in where sporting good stores and clothing stores for teenage boys. Then after a couple minutes he exclaimed again "wait a minute not only is this a girl store it’s a FAT girl store, I’m outa here". I think every fatty in the place thought about sitting on his scrawny body till his lungs collapsed. From then on Lane Bryant became known as Lane Giant. Evil little shit.

Who's going to 7-11??

2005-08-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to drinking. No, I am not an alcoholic, though sometimes I think that would be easier than being fat. At least you get a 12 step program and you don’t need alcohol to survive. It sucks to be addicted to something that you need to survive. If only I could quit food cold turkey! But no my drinking addiction involves a well known little drug called caffeine. I drink Baskin Robbins Cappuccino Blast (which is basically a coffee milkshake) for breakfast. If for some reason there is a long line at the Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins I go to Starbucks and get a Java Chip Frappuccino. In Ohio I like Rico Latte and in Bakersfield I liked Supreme Bean, Java Detour, Dagny’s, and that one that used to be in a house before the neighbors complained too much about the noise the Bakersfield youth were making as they hung out all over the lawn. Oh Java Jazz.

In the soda department, I am a Coke girl. I love coke and I always will. I intend to never give it up. I would rather ride through a desert on a horse with no name and nothing to drink, than drink a Pepsi. Yuck, the devils drink.

I can’t get into diet coke no matter how hard I try. Coke is trying to make it easy on me though by giving me all those choices. Diet Coke, Diet Coke with Splenda, Coke Zero, Diet Coke with lime, 50/50 Coke. It’s so nice of them to try to keep my habit going and help me loose weight. I love the people over there at Coke! I can almost handle the Coke Zero and the 50/50 Coke. On days when I am into my diet that’s what I get. The other 355 days of the year I go with the Classic.

Unfortunately my caffeine addiction does not end there, I am also in love RockStar. It is the best energy drink out there in my opinion. I started drinking them when I lived in Vegas and I would hang out at Houlihans sometimes after work. They serve Malibu with RockStar. I was in heaven. Now it is a rare occasion that I get to drink my RockStars with Malibu mostly because I usually only drink them at work (a little Malibu there would not hurt every once in a while, would it?).

RockStars have something in them called Taurine. I don’t know what it is but my old boss told me that it was a derivative of cocaine. I think that is why I might be so addicted. I think a lot of other people are addicted to because RockStars are always sold out. I will see shelves full of them at White Hen one day and the next day all they have left is diet. GAG. I sent some kid at work out to get me a RockStar once and he came back with diet and I wanted to choke him. "Are you trying to tell me something?" I asked. I think he was actually afraid of me as he tried to explain they were simply out of regular. Red Bull in a pinch but NEVER diet.

Look at her wedgie!

2005-08-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

My favorite Bakersfield bar at the time? I would say it would have to be the Mint. After all it is the first time I ever got my ass grabbed by a girl and then made out with her girl friend while the guy I was out with was buying me a drink. That’s just how it was in Bakersfield I was the social butterfly that I was always meant to be.

My appearance changed a little during that time. I started to look like someone out of suicidegirls.com versus a girl from small town Ohio. Bakersfield was just big enough and just small enough that I could fully embrace it. In a short amount of time I knew everyone and everyone knew me. There was never an evening I did not have an invitation and I managed to hold my weight, even lose weight with out trying. Perhaps it was the sex.

Sometimes now I think maybe I gained weight because subconsciously I think I am a whore. If I am fat no body will want me then I can be a good girl again. Well thanks a lot conscience because you where right, I am a good girl for the most part and damn it, I wish I was still a whore. Ok I don’t really think I was a whore. I did not do the whole town. I just wasn’t used to living such a promiscuous life style.

Currently I am at a stage in my life where I think that I am too fat to even attract the Hispanics or black guys. This has got me scared. I haven’t had sex since Saint Patrick’s Day and before that it was sometime in November.

I NEED SEX. I am not the type of person who is going to join one of those swingers clubs that old, fat, ugly people go to, to have sex. I have somewhat of a moral code left, and ewww. I sometimes think that the only reason I want to loose weight is to insure that I will have fantastic sex again. Health reasons come in dead last after wearing cute clothes and being able to comfortably sit in movie theater seats, plane seats, folding chairs with out worrying about breaking them etc. I have broken a countless number of chairs and a few beds. Is there anything more embarrassing than having the chair you are sitting on in public crumble underneath you? Yes having your pants split with no underwear on.

Why doesn’t a fat girl wear underwear you might be wondering? Well there are a couple very good reasons.
1. There are no cute underwear in my size. I am too young to wear grandma panties.
2. Have you seen a girl's butt where the underwear dig in and make it look like she has 4 butt cheeks instead of 2? Enough said.
3. One more thing to struggle to pull up over my fat ass.

There is a Bakersfield book about me...

2005-08-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

I often describe myself as a skinny girl stuck in a fat girl's body. I feel skinny. I also say I have the opposite of anorexia, "I can eat what ever I want because I am skinny". But then I look in the mirror and am astonished. Whoa... I am fat. When did that happen? I constantly forget the fact that I am more than 100 pounds overweight. Or do I? Actually being fat is always on my mind. Sure I go to work, do my job, quite well I might add. But all of the time there is a voice screaming at me in my mind "YOU ARE FAT AND NOBODY LIKES A FAT GIRL". I just like to tell myself I forget so I can eat the bag of chips without feeling guilty. Save the guilt till the chips are gone.

Despite the fact that I am one hundred plus pounds over weight I know that I am different than other fat girls. I carry my weight better. I don't think that anybody, besides perhaps my father, would guess how much I actually weigh. To say that I look like a brick house is putting it lightly. I am tall, thick and solid. I am also pretty. Now I am not as vain as that statement made me sound. I know that I am pretty not from standing in front of the mirror and admiring myself, but because people tell me. When I was younger and not fat strangers would tell me how beautiful I was. Remarkably they continuedued as I put on the pounds. It almost seemed as if they where trying to say "You are so pretty, why are you doing this to yourself?"

Alexis, my best friend in high school and I went to one of those John Casablanca model talent search gigs in the mall once because she thought she had what it took to be a super model. Actually I thinks she could have made it big in the pages of Easy Rider. The talent agent guy who seemed at first glance like a classic receding hair line, thick rimmed glasses, geek, dismissed girls left and right. It wasn't until I saw the power he held that I found him attractive. Alexis' turn coming up....over in a bout 2.2 seconds, "NEXT" the wiry man screamed out. I walked up, he abruptly told me to take off my jacket. I could feel my face going pink instantly because I had a tank top on underneath and I can remember thinking, "Oh God I didn't shave my arm pits." He studied me carefully for what seemed a good long while, in actuality though I am sure that it was just a couple of minutes. Then he stood closer to me than anybody had ever done before who wasn't on their way in for a kiss and said, "How did someone as beautiful as you get so God Damn fat?" Uhhhh.... I did not have time to think of a reply before he was moving me along. "Lose 20 pounds and we'll see you in Chicago," he screeched. Mortification-glee? Which did I feel? I'm still not sure.

Up until about a year ago or so I still managed to feel sexy even though I am such a fatty. This I attribute to my ass. Since I am tall I am curvy, not round as most people would be this much over weight. And my ass...well lets say that the song Baby Got Back should have been written for me. And thank God for Mexicans! They love my ass. I often feel their dark eyes burning into me knowing they are thinking of bending me over. The only shred of sexiness I have left is due to this race of men who love me. I and I love them back.

In high school I was not fat, yet I had a butt that made all of the black boys in school gravitate to me, wide and round, and out there. While the white boys never gave me a second glance and there was not a single Hispanic. I had my pick of every black boy in school. Ten to be exact. After high school I developed a liking for my new flavor, Hispanics.

I was never popular in high school, probably because of the fact that out of the three hundred students in my tiny country school ninety-nine percent of the boys would not blink twice at being called a redneck and the other one-percent where black. Seeing as how the black boys liked me there "surely was something wrong with me". This did not give me much of a chance at popularity in my white-bred school.

There was one time in my life, when I would find white boys, as well as the rest staring me down. This is the brief period of time when I lived in Bakersfield, Ca. I was 20 when I moved to Bakersfield to go to school. I weighed 160 pounds and at 5'11 I floated across the Cal State campus feeling like a goddess. I had long golden brown hair, I was tan and I had all of a sudden figured out the confidence secret that made me sexy. I realized that if I look and act confident and like I could care less about a boy it would drive them crazy. I worked on this look a lot when I was alone.

I was determined to change things around in Cali. Now Bakersfield you may say...What's to do in Bakersfield? To the unknowing eye there doesn't seem much. Two hours from the ocean, two hours from the mountains, two hours from Los Angeles, Bakersfield just seemed to be the Nashville of California. True, to see a man in Wranglers and ropers was not unusually, however, when you dug down deep there was a little underworld punk scene, not itching to get out but seemingly trying to stay hidden.