Hey baby, do you like fat girls?

I went to see the movie Elizabethtown today. It was good, it was long. I cried almost the entire time. I am such an easy crier. To prove my point, yesterday I saw the March of the Penguins, I cried through that movie too.

Without giving too much of the story away, not that the trailers didn’t already do that, Elizabethtown is a love story. The feeling that I am left with after seeing it is despair. There will be no chance encounters for me, no love at first site. I am too fat. The first impression I give to people is that I am a fat girl not oh how about a summer romance. I often wonder, if I weren’t fat would this boy thing I was the one for him? I am sure someone’s mother is saying right now “if he does not see you inner beauty he is not worth it” yada, yada, yada. How is someone supposed to get to your inner beauty through layers of fat? Once he does see you are a great person what is he supposed to do when he is not physically attracted to you?

I had a boyfriend once that I got fat with. One day I decided I was tired of being fat and over the course of the next six months I lost about a hundred pounds. From then on I had no respect for my boyfriend, in fact I found him repulsive. Does that make me a bad person? How could I have respected someone who still had the same traits that I did not respect in myself? How is someone now supposed to find me attractive and respect me when I don’t like the way I look and my self-respect is at an all time low? It’s simply not going to happen.

Can't Muster The Will

The last couple of weeks have been unfortunately more of the same… eating, eating and eating. I think that I have it in my mind that I will not be able to lose weight until I move back to Ohio. My plans, hopes, and dreams of loosing weight are on hold and I have been eating what ever I want with out giving it a second thought.

I read a lot of blogs. Lots of diet blogs. I know that people have the same problems and issues as me. However, I notice something different about their train of thought. They are working at loosing weight they, even though it sucks are going through the motions of a diet.

I on the other hand bitch and complain about being fat and do nothing about it. Being stranded here in Chicago by myself would be a perfect place and time for me to get on a diet and loose weight. I have nobody who wants to go out to eat with me, I have nobody who wants to go out drinking with me, and I have nobody who knows me that would see me in shorts. I could do things at my own pace. I have plenty of time. My poor dog would definitely benefit from some out door activity. Yet here I am wrapped up in a blanket watching Will and Grace reruns, eating cheese pops.

I can clearly see how food is a comfort to me. I am lonely here. I eat to fill time. I eat to take my mind off the fact that I am alone. I would still eat if I was in Ohio, but I at least would be able to make the effort. Here I can’t seem to will myself to even try.

Whats for dinner? A Snack or Two!

I am addicted to Reese’s Snack Bars. I love them. The first one I had I got from a gas station. I was hooked. I looked for them at every gas station I went to after that. Then when I was in Costco the other day I got a box of forty! That was Monday. The box is half gone. They are 6 grams of fat and 130 calories each and I am addicted.

It seemed like I did ok today with eating but now that I think back on it I realize that it was not a good day after all. I started out with a Cappuccino Blast. My mind played that old “you deserve it” for one reason or another, game that it plays with me. For breakfast one of my cooks made me boiled chicken, peas and a little bit of mashed potatoes without me even asking. Mmmm my favorite. If it weren’t for the mashed potatoes that are laced with cream cheese and butter it would have been a healthy meal. The chicken is unmarinated and very low fat. Peas, well they are just peas, I don’t need butter on them if I have salt. For lunch I had bowtie pasta and meat sauce with bread and about 6 butter patties. Really bad. Over the course of the day I also had two pieces of chicken scaloppini and one piece of buffalo mozzarella, a couple of cokes and a Rockstar. For dinner I had about 8 Reese’s Snack bars and a coke. Ug I feel like shit.

The bad part is that I am still really hungry. I could eat a full meal right this second. But I am about to go to bed so there will be no more eating for me tonight!

Open Wide

Today I went to the dentist. For the life of me I can’t understand what makes someone want to be a dentist. Looking in to someone’s mouth, picking at their teeth and wiping their slobber off their face. It’s all just so yucky.

I hope that everyone slobbers as much as I do when I am at the dentist. I can’t help it. I can’t seem to swallow and eventually there is slobber every where. One time when I was a teenager I went to a dentist that must have been training people because I remember that there was about 5 people peering into my mouth. All of a sudden my spit shot strait up in to the air and they all had to dodge it. They all laughed and I, being a teenager, of course thought it was the most embarrassing thing that could ever happened to me. Boy was I wrong. I would rather slobber a lot than have that suction thingy left in my mouth the whole time though, you know the thing that sucks every last drop of moisture out of your mouth till you feel like you just smoked the fattest joint ever.

Every time I go to the dentist I can’t stop thinking of that little guy in Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. “I want to be a dentist”. I just don’t understand. When you are little do you think to yourself, I want to look at peoples teeth all day long? There is nothing heroic about it. Its not like you are going to save a life.

Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for dentists. I have had my share of teeth problems. One time when I lived in Bakersfield I had no money no insurance and a toothache from hell. I suffered for weeks with this toothache. It was so bad that near the end I even contemplated suicide. I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I went to a dentist’s office and when they refused to help me I sat in their lobby and wailed. I wailed loud. I had no shame. I was not myself. I was like a wounded animal. I remember there were lots of people in that lobby. I didn’t care. Finally they must have thought I was scarring the other patients because what seemed like hours later they took me in and pulled that tooth. It was a huge abscess. The whole in the middle of it was the huge. I was so relieved. I became a snaggle tooth and didn’t even care.

Wait a second. That dentist saved my life! Now I understand! I would have killed myself or my boyfriend or in innocent bystander if I hadn’t gotten that tooth out of my head! Thank you Dr. Dentist at Western Dental on Ming (I think). You saved my life. You picked a noble and important career and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I never paid your bill not because I didn’t appreciate it. But because I was on the verge of living in my car and as a matter of fact did live in my car shortly after that. Its ok though because your bill is one of the many unpaid bills that ruined my credit and is now making me pay 15% interest on my piece of crap car that I will be upside down on for the entire five years of my loan. So you have your revenge. I must say though, it was the best $140 that I never paid!

Who wasn't hired? Skinny Girl or Fat Girl?

Today something happened to me that has never happened to me before in my life. I got turned down for a job.

I have had many, many jobs. I have done everything from serving tables to cleaning houses to selling cars. I have always gotten any job that I applied for. To be denied is a little shocking.

I keep thinking to myself that this is the first time I have looked for an adult job. I mean a job that is a salaried position versus and hourly position. Hourly positions are surly easier to get then salaried ones.
Also the job I have now I didn’t apply for I just moved up through the ranks. So these were the first real interviews that I have ever had. The experience was pretty scary.

Did they not like something I said? Was it because I said I would be a horse when they asked me what animal I would come back as if there were such a thing as reincarnation? Was it what I was wearing? Or was it because I’m FAT? Now, I am not the type of person who would typically play the fat card, but maybe that’s why I did not get this job. My headhunter just said they did not give a reason. Why would they not give a reason? I can’t say that I really blame them if they did not hire me because I am fat. I think the impression of fat people is that they are lazy. I am lazy…at home. At work I am a machine. I work approximately 60 to 70 hours a week sometimes more. If they didn’t hire me because of they think I’m lazy its their loss. Maybe they thought I would eat all day long. Maybe I asked for too much money.

I actually would feel kind of relieved if I knew they didn’t hire me because I am fat. It’s like that t-shirt that says something like, “yeah I’m fat but you’re ugly and I can go on a diet”. Being fat is something I can fix (in theory). If there were something wrong with my interviewing skills or something wrong with my personality, I would have a harder time fixing that.

All in all I am not too upset about it. I knew that if I had gotten the job I wouldn’t have been happy there. Even though I just planned on doing it until I got my real estate license I felt it was beneath me. I guess they thought I was beneath them.

Weird Food

Sometimes I go on weird food trips. I have been one on all week. I bought a bag of potstickers from Costco on Tuesday and I have been eating them ever since. The only other things I have been subsiding off of is Coke and Baked Lays. I am reading a book called Eldest and not doing much else, besides crappy work that is. Today, I have another day off. I got out of bed at one and had a Carnation Instant Breakfast. Now I am making lunch, No Yolk noodles, dumpling size, chicken bouillon cubes, mushroom soup and a can of mushrooms. I am so weird. Sometimes I cook a whole chicken and eat chicken and noodles for days.

Ahh I just cracked open my first Coke of the day. So refreshing. A Roseanne rerun just came on. Is it just me or does anybody else think that show was the most hilarious ever? Roseanne puts people down like no other. I only wish I had half of her quick wit.

An Apple a Day

I just ate a caramel apple. There is something about sugar makes fruit taste so good! I don’t even like caramel by its self but on an apple I love it. I don't really like apples too much either but add some caramel and could eat a bushel. I got the apple from Margie’s on Sunday. I guess you could say that my "extravaganza of eating" weekend has carried over 'till Tuesday! It’s over now though. For dinner I had to have noodles with bouillon cubes because I’m so broke!

Its bad when you are so sick of the food at work that you would eat noodles and chicken flavored salt. New job, new food. That's the goal! Ok not really. The goal - move back to Ohio, get a real estate license, loose weight so I can look glamorous and sell lots of houses, get rich, get husband, have babies and get fat!